It may be dangerous for an old man, a retired journalist like myself who is tethered on a dialysis machine three days a week totaling around a dozen hours, to have plenty of available time to conjure up such nonsense as the poetic effort that follows. Since I am also a facebook neophyte, I am offering this October writing that may be of interest to baseball followers, and those who viewed the 2003 movie Bruce Almighty that starred Jim Carrey, Jennifer Anniston, Morgan Fairchild and others.
*See below the names of Major League Baseball players listed on 2017 season rosters who are utilized in the following poem. You will note the verses carry an 11-11-7-7-11-11 rhythmic flow in somewhat Shakespearean fashion. Don’t miss the subtlety of the title and the content.
By Bernie Gilmer, October, 2017
(With apologies to Bill S. himself)
Looking for a Street where they could raise some Cain,
These mischievous youngsters out in the light rain.
Weaving right up a steep Hill,
With each one popping a Pill.
Two Brothers, one Walker a heavy Smoker,
Three were country Hicks, another a joker.
One suggested they buy some mighty Good-rum;
One Wheeler-dealer said he would get them some.
Instead, he bought a Gallo jug.
Bummer! Yelled the littlest thug,
And adding: Great Scott, man, must have been on Sale,
Should’a brought some White wine iced down in a pail.
As it moved toward toMorrow, chirping was heard,
Led by a Jay, a Martin, and a big Bird
Known as a strutting Peacock.
A Covey joined courthouse clock.
Also roaming was one lone County Sher(r)iff,
Who found the Hardy teens and got into a tiff.
One rascal ran and hid behind a large Bush,
One in a bed of Flowers trying to hush.
The cop from his holster he Drew,
While down the tracks came choo-Choo,
Giving an escape hatch for those from the Hood,
As if the curfew Bell wasn’t understood.
But leave it up to the long arm of the Law,
To patrol the town in a shiny rickShaw
Owned by the Danish Baker,
The tall German Shoemaker,
A stout Gray-haired Carpenter eager-beaver
And a Green-eyed Albu(r)querque Weaver.
Well, the determined ‘Barney Fife’ failed to budge,
Rounded up the lads for a fill-in court Judge.
Would he rule ‘Minor offense’?
Or Hand out something quite tense?
One ladies-man brat showed he’s a real Winker,
Another’s Story proved he was a stinker.
Would the man with the gavel grant some Leeway,
Or come down hard with a hefty Price to pay?
You don’t need to break Morse code,
Wade in on pie a-la-mode,
Find a Phillips screwdriver or Allen wrench.
Riddle will be solved by the man on the bench.
Over a Span of time, we all will get to hear
Whether the ruling protects those who wreak fear,
like football’s soft Brady Rule,
sends these rowdies back to school.
Oh, and it makes each appear like a Free-man,
With Morton salt in wounds of those in Free-lan(d).
Surely, this edict was made by a Dull mind,
Donning judicial robe as a sub-in kind.
Offering his sixPence worth,
Which May be his last henceforth.
Gee, while his ruling was viewed as unsightly,
Could be the disGrace of this Bruce Almighty?
*Players & their teams.
Al Alburquerque, P, Chicago White Sox
Brandon Allen, 1B, Cincinnati Reds
Cody Allen, P, Cleveland Indians
Greg Allen, OF, Cleveland Indians
Dylan Baker, P, Cleveland Indians
Jeff Baker, 1B, Miami Marlins
John Baker, C, Chicago Cubs
Scott Baker, P, Los Angeles Dodgers
Chad Bell, P, Detroit Tigers
Heath Bell, P, Washington Nationals
Josh Bell, IF, Los Angeles Dodgers
Josh Bell, 1B, Pittsburgh Pirates
Trevor Bell, P, Cincinnati Reds
Greg Bird, 1B, New York Yankees
Michael Brady, OF, Oakland Athletics
Rex Brothers, P, Atlanta Braves
Jay Bruce, OF, Cleveland Indians
Aaron Bummer, P, Chicago White Sox
Matt Bush, P, Texas Rangers
Lorenzo Cain, OF, Kansas City Royals
Matt Cain, P, San Francisco Giants
Chris Carpenter, P, Boston Red Sox
David Carpenter, P, Atlanta Braves
David Carpenter, P, Tampa Bay Rays
Matt Carpenter, 1B, St. Louis Cardinals
Shin-Soo Choo, OF, Texas Rangers
Dylan Covey, P, Chicago White Sox
Tyler Danish, P, Chicago White Sox
Stephen Drew, IF, Washington Nationals
Ryan Dull, P, Oakland Athletics
Tyler Flowers, C, Atlanta Braves
Freddie Freeman, 1B, Atlanta Braves
Mike Freeman, IF, Chicago Cubs
Sam Freeman, P, Atlanta Braves
Kyle Freeland, P, Colorado Rockies
Joey Gallo, IF, Texas Rangers
Dillon Gee, P, Minnesota Twins
Domingo German, P, New York Yankees
Niko Goodrum, OF, Minnesota Twins
Matt Grace, P, Washington Nationals
Jon Gray, P, Colorado Rockies
Sonny Gray, P, New York Yankees
Chad Green, P, New York Yankees
Grant Green, IF, Washington Nationals
Brad Hand, P, San Diego Padres
Donovan Hand, P, Cincinnati Reds
J.J. Hardy, IF, Baltimore Orioles
Aaron Hicks, New York Yankees
Brandon Hicks, IF, San Francisco, Giants
John Hicks, C, Detroit Tigers
Aaron Hill, OF, San Francisco Giants
Koyie Hill, C, Philidelphia Phillies
Rich Hill, P, Los Angeles Dodgers
Shawn Hill, P, Toronto Blue Jays
Taylor Hill, P, Washington Nationals
Destin Hood, OF, Miami Marlins
Jon Jay, OF, Chicago Cubs
Aaron Judge, OF, New York Yankees
Derek Law, P, San Francisco Giants
C.C. Lee, P, Cleveland Indians
Chris Lee, P, Baltimore Orioles
Dae-Ho Lee, 1B, Seattle Mariners
Zach Lee, San Diego Padres
Chris Martin, P, New York Yankees
Cody Martin, P, Seattle Mariners
Ethan Martin, P, Philadelphia Phillies
J.D. Martin, P, Chicago White Sox
Kyle Martin, P, Boston Red Sox
Leonys Martin, OF, Chicago Cubs
Rafael Martin, P, Washington Nationals
Russell Martin, C, Toronto Blue Jays
Jacob May, OF, Chicago White Sox
Trevor May, P, Minnesota Twins
Mike Minor, P, Kansas City Royals
Brandon Morrow, P, Los Angeles Dodgers
Michael Morse, 1B, San Francisco Giants
Charlie Morton, P, Houston Astros
Seung Hwan Oh, P, St. Louis Cardinals
Brad Peacock, P, Houston Astros
Hunter Pence, OF, San Francisco Giants
Brandon Phillips, IF, Los Angeles Angels
Brett Phillips, OF, Milwaukee Brewers
Zach Phillips, P, Pittsburgh Pirates
Tyler Pill, P, New York Mets
Bryan Price, Cleveland Indians
David Price, Boston Red Sox
J.T. Riddle, IF, Miami Marlins
Chris Sale, P, Boston Red Sox
Luke Scott, DH, Tampa Bay Rays
Robby Scott, P, Boston Red Sox
Bryan Shaw, P, Cleveland Indians
Travis Shaw, IF, Milwaukee Brewers
Tanner Sherriff, P, St. Louis Cardinals
Matt Shoemaker, P, Los Angeles, Angels
Josh Smoker, P, New York Mets
Denard Span, OF, San Francisco Giants
Trevor Story, IF, Colorado Rockies
Huston Street, P, Los Angeles Angels
Tyler Wade, IF, New York Yankees
Christian Walker, 1B, Arizona Diamondbacks
Neil Walker, IF, Milwaukee Brewers
Taijujan Walker, P, Arizona Diamondbacks
Jered Weaver, P, San Diego Padres
Luke Weaver, P, St. Louis Cardinals
Jason Wheeler, P, Los Angeles Dodgers
Ryan Wheeler, IF, Los Angeles Angels
Zack Wheeler, P, New York Mets
Alex White, P, Houston Astros
Tyler White, P, Houston Astros
Jesse Winker, OF, Cincinnati Reds
Chris Young, OF, Boston Red Sox
Chris Young, P, Kansas City Royals
Delman Young, OF, Baltimore Orioles
Delwyn Young, OF, Chicago White Sox
Eric Young, OF, Los Angeles Angels
NOTE: All 30 Major League Baseball teams are included (by 64 last names representing 115 players) somewhere in the poem.